The Process Manifest (of Leaking I)

The process behind this particular painting is so intensely personal, so perfectly conveyed on canvas through the very action (construction, destruction and reconstruction) of creating it, that I believe/fear it is my best work yet. This experiential creative process made manifest is exactly what I believe makes a great painting. I fear this because it is that same thing which makes it so difficult for me to eventually part with the creation.

I know this very fear has held me back from painting before (along with the fear of failing to successfully communicate)---and that it is not up to me to withhold my spirit/hand from God's purpose---or my paintings from going out beyond my sphere of influence and time. Even as I paint, I tolerate knowing I do not possess that which I create.

Perhaps one of these days I will not simply tolerate, but I will also surrender to, lean in, and embrace this truth. I wonder how much more often these "thin moments" would be able to break through with more of me out of the way? Before Leaking I I had not painted for quite awhile. I absolutely could not tolerate this space toward the end of school and even for quite a while afterward.

These paintings are literally healing me. The blue on the canvas symbolizes water (my element), me. The blue (sadness) leaking horizon represents my tears. If you remember from my genogram, gold on my canvas symbolizes divinity, spiritual affinity. When I cry, I release energy and so does God. This painting reminds me I do not cry alone and that my tears are not in vain. Crying is okay, healing and (dare I say) beautiful.

The other paintings in the series hold the same healing, and they symbolize specific reasons for tears through color.