I have kept this blog since 2005. Some time in the spring of 2007 I committed a most undifferentiated act and wiped out all my old posts. Before anyone gets too sad about the lost writings of Melanie-Pearl (hyperbole), let me confirm that the "loss" continues to be a positive thing.
The last post before wipe-out marked the beginning of the end of whatever came before it. In my final blaze of glory I subjected my then-readers to this glorious video:
(Mic drop at 3:48, followed by a bloody massacre & topped off by a completely wicked middle finger)
Aside from seizing the opportunity to share my undeniable great taste in music heroism, how was such an undifferentiated act of mass destruction (more hyperbole) ever a good thing? Well, because it pointed to a much larger problem.
It turns out that what I thought was my "self" was not real. It was a carefully-constructed-over-30 years version of me. I was inauthentic so my blog was inauthentic. I was so snowed by my own inauthenticity I actually believed my blog was good and worth reading. Yes, my "protector self" was so good at its job that my real "self" was content hanging out with all the exiled parts of me. Believe me, posting from that space made me feel all warm and fuzzy. I said all the right things. It was pretty. Pretty like a collection on a Pinterest board. It was the projection of perfection.
If I've lost you, think of it this way: The part of me who started Melanie-Pearl in 2005 can be thought of as the giant head of OZ who was being projected onto the curtain while my real self was content hiding behind the curtain changing reels, pulling levers, etc., letting the big head run the popular show. When what was actually behind the curtain could no longer be contained, the real freak show began. Exiled parts were loosed, and if you were anywhere near the Emerald City at that time, you felt the rippling chaos. I was quite mad the curtain collapsed---and I believed it fell because someone else made it fall down. Yes, I was that sick.
I digress.
Today I take heart in the fact that at least one of my exiled parts knew the projected talking head sucked. Eventually I helped my real "self" reclaim my rightful name and my blog. There's still a projector---Melanie-Pearl works hard to stay in charge of it---and the curtain freely opens and closes. (Note the goal is not to eradicate my parts but to know and direct them.)
This morning I read this fabulous article which inspired me to make this post.
All this to say, authentic art is hard-earned. Especially in this day and age. Not only can I define it, I can also illustrate the concept: I create whatever I want to create. Sometimes it is good, sometimes it is bad. Sometimes it is pretty, sometimes it is grotesque. I post it here, I post it on FB. It hangs on walls. It sits in attics. Sometimes it is responded to.
No matter what, I continue to create.
With Love, from the trenches. Yours, M-P
ps) In the earlier days of my blog I used to have way more hits and readers. I also sold way more crap. It was crap. Today I sell a few expensive paintings and custom jewelry without much effort. Interesting, huh?
1 comment:
That article is deep.
Post a Comment